journaling: Doing versus Being


i am an achiever. i achieve. i earned excellent grades and practiced my viola. i was on the honors board in college. on only one occasion did i ever need to ask my parents for my money. i do what i need to. i don’t ask for help and i get things done. i do. i do.

i did.

my husband made over $50,000 last year (at least, before taxes). because he has been in his profession for ten years. because we live in a part of the country where his profession is slightly more valued and where salaries are slightly higher. i made $10,000, not including things like babysitting. my husband makes our life possible. i make it nicer/easier/more luxurious. or so it feels.

i never thought i would be occupation-less at this point.
i never thought i would see the day when washing, drying, and folding laundry would feel like an accomplishment. i ought to be one of those Most Likely to Succeed. and i have. i have “it all.”

but i have spent the past four months learning to be. learning to be compassionate. learning to be patient. learning to recognize my limitations with regard to my priorities. thomas is my priority. above swept floors and clean bathrooms and elegant dinners, thomas is my priority.

in a blog i read, a woman recently described her average morning and asked her readers to share theirs. so i did.

every morning i feed and dress my son and myself well. i feed my dog. i start a fire. i play with my son. i change diapers. i change diapers again. i walk my dog, and every other day i try to make that walk between half an hour and an hour. we play. he naps.

every week, i buy groceries and make nearly all of our meals. i bake bread. i sweep the floors. i wash the dishes. i write. i read. i do yoga. i knit things for our family.

every month, i try to find work editing and proofreading. i babysit on occasion.

right now, i’m trying to simplify our home. soon he’ll be crawling. soon he’ll be walking. soon he’ll be running. i’ll need to “baby proof.” but the first step is clearing away all of the things that don’t need to be here to begin with.

and i am coming to terms with all of it. i am trying to trust myself. i am trying to have faith that i’m doing just what i ought.

that doesn’t make it any easier when he’s gassy and teething and fussing fussing fussing fussing for hours. like now. i hope that explains any incoherence. my head is full of static. what was i saying?


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